Today. Yet
another day, at the end of which my brain is reluctant to think. It’s more
tiring to have a tired mind, than a tired body.
This
place. I have been here before, endless number of times. But its not mine. I
stand at the edge. Do I belong here?
People.
They keep running and running, trying to reach goals set by others, trying to
conquer more than others, trying to prove something very irrelevant. It’s a
race, where you don’t lose, but people make you feel you did, not by telling
you so, but by reminding you of their triumph. But a part of me knows something
is missing. My surroundings are empty, thoughtless and hence, powerless. I
should get down from the bus and walk the rest of the distance. No, I am too exhausted
for it. But I should. So I hear myself yelling “I had to get down.” The driver
unwillingly stops, my co-passengers glare at me and the conductor giggles at my
back. Is this one of the decisions I was going to regret? It’s a pitiable thing
to think so much about such a small happening, but my brain keeps on going back
to all the faces, my limbs make me regret what I just did. But I needed it more
than it was wanted. I start walking, without any realization, I leave the park
behind, and my mind wanders off to the summers when I thought tooth fairy was
real. All the memories I have are those from the frame of ‘outside the gate’.
Did I never go inside to play? Or were they just too impolite to remember? At
that time, it was just laziness, but now, I realize maybe it was more than my
body’s reluctance to join the other kids. Maybe it was my mind’s.
Repeated
trips to the hospital makes any being more fragile than he was before. Though,
I am no one to blame these health factories, I can relate to their psychological
setbacks. “But I am more than that. I don’t state the hospitals as the reason
of my lack of motivation. Only the guilt of my mistakes can make me prosper.
Like those kids there-” as I wandered out and back into my subconscious, I
merely saw a bunch of teenagers terrorizing a little pup. Will some of them
regret this act? God, I hope they do. Though, I know how they feel; how they
are frustrated, confused, like everyone is, more or less, at the time of
learning something new.
Then
these are youngsters, trying to learn the most complex mathematics of all:
life. Though I am no one to know them, but still, it is not just right to show
their dominance over an innocent creature to prove to the world that you are
unafraid. Rather, it’s just the work of a coward. But they’ll learn for
themselves. Some will wait for big happenings; others will be inhibited by
smaller ones. Some days they’ll discover themselves; others, they’ll invent. Some
will invite troubles to themselves; others might run away; sooner than later,
they’ll know; hard way or otherwise that little things matter.
Hypothesis
of a biologist would suggest I am completely aware of my limbs, moving forward,
like trying to win, against each other, a motion in vain. But all I feel right
now is my blood thumping through my ears. Was I running out of breath?
I see a
smile of an old man sitting in Mr. Oliver’s window side seat, and it makes me
wonder do I have to wait till the last chapter? No. Every happy chapter begins
with a smile, and the sad ones end with a smile!
I see a
vagabond, and I see a woman sitting on her bedroom window. For one, her house
is a prison, for the other, the world outside the house. For any prisoner,
their prison is the safest place they know. Scared to be outside, crouching at
the thought of being left free; but the spark of not being where you are,
overpowers the importance of now and here.
Sometimes,
life is plain, mundane, redundant, but that time, is the most useful time. It’s
the intermission of a movie, where you have seen the movie, and, yet, are eager
for more. It’s the comma in the sentence, where you still have sentence left
for reading, yet, understand the first half. It’s the time to learn, the time
to format, to dispose off useless stuff, to be excited for more.
Like the
walk I had; the void which I filled with memories and judgments. Now, I am not
regretting my decision of getting off the bus. Aching more than before, I
reached the stairs to my apartment.
Today. I
travelled more than I walked; but am still shrugging at the expressions of the
fellow bus passengers.
